I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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