He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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