Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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