I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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