Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
