Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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