if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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