dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
