Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
