I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
