I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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