I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
