i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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