I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
