Your mouth is God's brothel.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
