dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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