My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
