you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
