you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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