I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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