Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
