The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
