Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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