i wish my penis had a tongue
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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