Your face is a jimmy john
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
