I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
