you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
