I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
