I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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