I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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