I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
