I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
