John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
