Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
