i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
