Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
