2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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