They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
