my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
