Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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