No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
