I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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