I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
