I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
