I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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