Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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