forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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