im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
