I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
