Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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