The maid of honor just puked.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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