My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
