On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize