Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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