Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
