Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize