Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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