I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
