Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
