I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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