hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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