I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
3 2 1 whiskey
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
